Friendship

*Photo credit to Angie Whitaker

Next week my husband and I will celebrate our 15-year anniversary.  As I look back at the last 15 years of our marriage, and really the last 18 years of our relationship, I am filled with joy.  I am a lucky girl to have now spent half of my life with my best friend.  We have experienced many ups and downs in our relationship. We have grown and changed along the way but through it all even when we have had to say, “I love you, but right now I don’t like you very much,” our friendship to one another has always pulled us through.

            On several occasions in the recent past as I’ve shared some of my marriage experiences I was asked why I felt my marriage has been successful so far.  Like I’ve said we’ve had our share of bumps in the road but I can still say I love being married and I love being married to my husband. As I pondered this question I thought a lot about why our marriage has been a success so far. I told them that it was because of two things. One, we have tried to serve each other and think of the other every day.  This helps us to turn away from being selfish. We are not completely immune to selfishness in our marriage but this helps tremendously.  Second, we are best friends. We love the friendship we have and cherish it. Even when we are mad or arguing we know that at the end of it all we are still friends who are willing to work at it each day.  I never thought more of it at the time but I do appreciate and cherish the friendship I have with my husband. We like to be around each other and spend time with one another. He will do things I like to do just to spend time with me and I do the same for him.  I am a lucky girl.

            This week I was able to read from Dr. John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for MakingMarriage Work. He explains that, “At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”  When I read this I realized this is what my husband and I have.  Our marriage may not be perfect. Believe me, we argue and get upset or annoyed with each other but deep down we share these sentiments expressed by Dr. Gottman. 

            Our friendship is very important to us.  I think because it is we have such a positive sentiment override, meaning that our, “positive thoughts about each other and [our] marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede [our] negative feelings.”  Even when we argue we can say to one another, “I love you, but right now I don’t like you very much.” This phrase has always helped diffuse a situation for us.  It reminds us that even in the hard or heated moments we still care about each other. There is too much good in our marriage to let one argument or one bump in the road derail what we have going for us in the long run. 

            We want to continue to build on that friendship. We agree with Dr. Gottman that it is a defining characteristic of our marriage.