A Healthy Dose of Sunday Dinner

            “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”         --Genesis 2:24

            Every Sunday you can find a big family gathered together for their weekly family dinner. Grandma and Grandpa are super overjoyed about having most of their children and grandchildren there every week.  Cousins are running in and out of the house, the adults are helping finish up the Sunday meal preparations or visiting with one another, while the teenagers are sitting around the new super comfy sectional that has somehow become the popular teenage spot. Birthday are celebrated with a deafening "Happy Birthday" song as oodles of family sing. This brings my parents-in-law so much joy to have everyone there every week. They love having five of their six children and their spouses and grandchildren living in the same town.

           

Celebrating the Hubby's/Daddy's Birthday At Sunday Dinner

            Having so much family near by is such a blessing. You can receive so much support and help from each other. Bonds can be built up and strengthened. There can also be some drawbacks as well as everyone can become enmeshed with each other. If we are not careful we can lose our identity as a married couple and individual family.

            This week as I read the chapter Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families by authors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen from the textbook Helping and Healing Our Families, I found myself relating very much to many of the ideas and scenarios mentioned in the chapter. There were times where I was laughing out loud and others where I felt comfort at some of the ideas mentioned. 

            I really feel it is important as a married couple to create your own identity away from your families of origin. It is important to still have them be a part of your life but their roles in it should be secondary to that of your relationship with your spouse and any children you have or will have. It goes back to the scripture at the beginning of this post that as a married couple we must cleave to one another.

            I have been married now for 15 years and there were some great insights I learned from the reading.  Even though we live near my in-laws my husband and I feel it is so important for us to have traditions, decisions, and principles that are all our own. These are the things I have learned from this weeks reading as well as my own experiences living near my in-laws.

Advice for newlywed or any married couple:

* Be completely faithful to your spouse but do not forget your parents.

* Find a home that is “separate and apart” from parents to learn to be independent and “Establish your own household.”

* Learn to govern yourselves as a married couple as you prayerfully make your own decisions.

* Confide in your spouse and not to your parent.

* Establish clear boundaries for you and your spouse and protect it from other relationships with parents and other family members.

*Develop your own traditions and rituals for your family but find ways to include or be a part of extended family activities.

Advice for parents:

* “Parents give their children two things: roots to grow and wings to fly.”

* When children marry your role becomes one of love and encouragement and allow your children the independence they need.

* Do not expect to still be your child’s primary confidante. Encourage your child to give that role to their spouse.

* Parents can help married children “define and protect the boundary of this new couple.”

* Let your married children develop their own traditions and time together for special occasions.

* Allow your children the flexibility to decide whether they will attend family activities without involving guilt when they choose not to participate.

* “Married children are entitled to receive revelation for their stewardship in guiding their families, and parents and grandparents should support and encourage their married children as they do so.”

* “Parents need to learn to let married children have their own experiences and solve their own problems, except for situations when parents are invited to provide input and support.”

* Include your new son-in-law or daughter in-law so they feel like part of the family. Develop a relationship with them apart from your own child.

            I am sure there are many other lessons to learn. My husband and I established some of these early on and others we have had to learn along the way while others we are still learning. We have found that for our family it is important not to always go to the weekly Sunday dinners so we can have time to develop our own relationship with each other and with our children. I have also limited my time on the phone with my mom and I learned years ago to be careful what I share with her about my spouse.  These along with other lessons have strengthened our marriage and helped us maintain a good marriage identity.

He Lets Me Fly Too

We can all learn a little something about a great marriage where both partners are equals to each other from President Gordon B. Hinckley and his wife Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley. Listen to what they both had to say:

Photo credit Deseret News

 President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life.

(Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22,27)

I think I sometimes take for granted how lucky I am to be in a marriage where my husband very much shares the opinion of President Hinckley. He lets me fly too. He has never stopped me from doing what I want. I have been able to use, discover, and strengthen my talents because he doesn’t hold me back. It is a very comforting feeling to know he has so much trust and confidence in me and in my abilities. I feel like I can mother and run our household in the way I think is best and he supports me. If there has been a time here and there where there might have been a disagreement we have discussed things and figured out together what we can do. 

I think our marriage is so much happier and healthier because my husband sees me as his equal. We are partners. It is not a perfect partnership but it is one of mutual respect and concern for each other. In Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families, author Richard B. Miller, PhD states, “research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership.” He shares great thought from others on how we can be equal partners and how we can be aware of problems with power within the marriage.

Ways to be equal partners:

·      “Parents work together in their leadership in the family.”

·      Treat each other with courtesy and respect

·      Our words should esteem each other and not be sarcastic or cutting in our tone

·      They walk side by side

·      Each has a specific role to fulfill

·      Make decisions together in unity

·      They have mutual consideration

·      They consult and pray together

·      Work together on the family finance

Be aware of an unequal power relationship:

1.     Process of power, which is where the husband or wife seems to dominate the other partner.

2.     Power outcome, is when there is a disagreement one spouse is usually the one who gets what they want.

(Ideas from Richard B. Miller)

As a wife to my very wonderful husband I need to be aware that I do not take advantage of his generosity and kindness. I know when we work hand in had the authority of the priesthood works in our home and the Holy Ghost guides us in our lives. I am glad that I have a partner who is my equal and who feel I am his.