Faith and a Smile

This week I felt impressed by several things I read in Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage H. Wallace Goddard, PhD.  It inspired me to make an extra effort to see my spouse in a positive way and turn towards him more through my actions, words, and thoughts.  I don’t want to forget how they made me feel and how they pushed me to think more of the impact that Faith in Jesus Christ has on my marriage.

My favorite thoughts:

• “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth’ (Mark 9:23). The question is not whether Jesus is able to heal. The question is whether we will believe in Him?” (p. 48)

• “It takes focused faith to remove the most stubborn and persistent maladies of mortality. It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life.” (p. 49)

• “President Ezra Taft Benson taught us that ‘when we put God first, all other things fall into place or drop out of our lives.” (p. 49)

• “Is our faith a vibrant and ennobling power in our lives? Or do our complaints and discomforts eclipse any vision of the eternal?” (p. 51)

• “When we have vibrant faith in Jesus Christ, we know that the irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character. As Jeffrey R. Holland observed, ‘Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us.” (p. 51)

• “Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of God-given charity.” (p. 52)

• “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us.” (p. 55)

That last quote really got me. Sometimes I can be short sided and then become irritated by some of the little things my husband does. I love him dearly and he makes me laugh and cheers me up and is so willing to serve our family. Yet, I can forget that he is also being transformed and changed according to his faith in Jesus Christ. I can remember that. How often do I ask for forgiveness from my Savior for all my weaknesses and shortcomings? My Savior is rescuing me everyday. He is patient with me. In return I can have faith and become more patient with my spouse.

I can remember to have faith in Jesus Christ and believe that He can strengthen my marriage and help me to see the good in my spouse when I forget.  I know He can remove my stubborn nature so I can be rid of the maladies in my marriage. I also know that He can help me know what is mort important and let go of what isn’t. I can have faith my Savior will help me develop my character through my marriage. I can allow faith to withhold judgment and see the good. 

When I notice the little things my husband does for me or for our children it means the world to me. I noticed how my husband takes the kids to bed at night so I can do homework. He’ll take the kids to school in the morning when he has a free morning. He folds laundry with me. He sends me texts during the day to see how I am doing.  The other night I wasn’t feeling well and I fell asleep trying to do homework. When I woke up in the morning my kitchen was cleaned and the floor was mopped.  I know to someone else these might not be a big deal but to me they were. A big thing for us is serving each other. I do the same for him. I’ll clean up his messy nightstand and clean up other things for him. I send him texts through out the day. I will hug him when he gets home and try to show affection to him as much as I can. I'll bring home his favorite ice cream, Chocolate Malted Crunch or candy, Reeses Peanut Butter cups. I notice how the more we turn to each other in little ways the more we see each other in a positive way and we are strengthened. 

I know my hubby knows I am imperfect and yet he rarely points out my imperfections. In this way, he is way better than me. I can be prone to point out his imperfections when I am crabby, overwhelmed, exhausted or stressed. I see the Savior working in him as he overlooks my imperfections. I hope to apply the new insights I gained this week to strengthen my marriage. I know as I focus on the little good things we do it will help us let go of the other unimportant things. As I focus on the faith I have in Jesus Christ I can have that same faith in my marriage.

So for the next week I ask something of you. When you see your spouse think of 2 or 3 things that they have done for you each day.  Think about the good you see in them. Then do at least one thing each day that turns you toward your spouse. Here are a few thoughts to get you started:

* Text your spouse and ask how their day is going, if they need anything, or just express your love and appreciation for them.

* Do a chore together. Help him in the yard or help her with laundry.

* Be your spouses cheerleader and take their side when they are facing something where they need your support.

* Bring home a small treat for them.

* Leave a note on the mirror for them to see when they wake up.

* Make sure to kiss them goodnight.

So go find your spouse and turn towards them. Have faith that the Lord will help each of you see the good in each other and help you grow and change. As I write this my husband is listening to a song he loves and he says makes him think of us. It has brought a smile to my face and I hope it does for you. He sure knows how to make me turn towards him. Goodness, I love this man!

Sacrifices and Holding Hand Together

This week we celebrated our 15-year wedding anniversary. Our anniversaries have always been a time of reflection in our marriage and this anniversary was no different.  When we were first married we were so happy and couldn’t wait to start our life together. Life seemed perfect in our little newlywed bubble. We were so happy holding hands imagining our perfect life in the happy little home we wanted to create.

The thing is, marriage is meant to try us and stretch us. It requires a lot of effort and dedication. I have learned that obedience and sacrifice are always involved in anything worth having. In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard discusses the importance of obedience and sacrifice in marriage. He tells us, “Applying these principles to marriage requires inspiration.” (p.37) I loved this! He is telling us that obedience and sacrifice will not come automatically. This makes so much sense and yet I have never thought of it in this way.  It was really eye opening.  There were several things in regard to these principles that really caught my attention and that I want to remember in my own marriage as I continue to allow inspiration from the Spirit guide me.

Dr. Goddard's words of wisdom on obedience and sacrifice:

·   “Obedience means that we love God with all our hearts. Obedience also requires that we ‘love [our spouse] with all [our] heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.’ (D&C 42:22).” (p. 37)

·   In regards to sacrifice he says, “God knew that marriage would provide us unending opportunities to negotiate everything from what’s okay to wear on the Sabbath to what spices are favored in meals.” (p. 38)

·   “We covenant to bring all to the altar. The Lord cannot bless what we will not bring.” (p. 38)

·   Speaking of Jesus Christ and His obedience and sacrifice he said, “He chose to let goodness govern His power. The Person with the greatest power chose to be the most submissive.” (p. 39)

These things were all very thought provoking to me. When my husband and I married I think we both understood that there would need to be compromise and sacrifice and as the years have proved some of those are easier to do than others. As I reflect back it is when we gladly chose to make sacrifices throughout the years that it strengthened our marriage and brought us closer together. We had to rely on the Spirit to help us know and repent of our weaknesses or our pride to let go and sacrifice to make things better. The Spirit has taught us that there are some things that just aren’t worth holding onto if you want your marriage to survive and thrive. The Spirit has also helped me to see things in my spouse that I would have otherwise missed. There were times when I was prideful and didn’t want to give in but after allowing the Spirit to guide me my heart would be softened to forgive and ask for forgiveness. The Spirit has also guided me to know if I am spending too much time on other things that are not a priority or if I am not concentrating on my marriage enough. I’ve been able to redirect my priorities and make necessary sacrifices to let go of too much reading, or talking on the phone with my mom or sisters, to putting my school before my marriage and children.  I make sacrifices every day and without the guidance of the Spirit it would be hard to keep my focus.

There was one last thing that stood out to me from Dr. Goddard that I want to share:

“It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes. It takes divine grace to discard or limit the hobbies that prevent us from helping around the house.” (p. 40)

Sacrifice also teaches us to show strength, goodness, humility, and grace.  Each of us is on a path to become better but we are all getting there at a different pace.  Our marriage should be the place where we can hold hands together on this path and say to one another, “Come on I’ll help you and you help me and we will get there together. How about I sacrifice and let go of this so we can get there.” Then our spouse can turn to us and say, “Thank you for holding my hand so we can do this together. I will also sacrifice and let go of this so we can get there.” It isn’t easy and each day I goof up. But I hope that after 15 years on this marriage journey that my husband can say I am better than I was 15 years ago because I sure think he is.

And we'll keep holding hands on this crazy journey together and happily make the sacrifices we need to get there together.

Friendship

*Photo credit to Angie Whitaker

Next week my husband and I will celebrate our 15-year anniversary.  As I look back at the last 15 years of our marriage, and really the last 18 years of our relationship, I am filled with joy.  I am a lucky girl to have now spent half of my life with my best friend.  We have experienced many ups and downs in our relationship. We have grown and changed along the way but through it all even when we have had to say, “I love you, but right now I don’t like you very much,” our friendship to one another has always pulled us through.

            On several occasions in the recent past as I’ve shared some of my marriage experiences I was asked why I felt my marriage has been successful so far.  Like I’ve said we’ve had our share of bumps in the road but I can still say I love being married and I love being married to my husband. As I pondered this question I thought a lot about why our marriage has been a success so far. I told them that it was because of two things. One, we have tried to serve each other and think of the other every day.  This helps us to turn away from being selfish. We are not completely immune to selfishness in our marriage but this helps tremendously.  Second, we are best friends. We love the friendship we have and cherish it. Even when we are mad or arguing we know that at the end of it all we are still friends who are willing to work at it each day.  I never thought more of it at the time but I do appreciate and cherish the friendship I have with my husband. We like to be around each other and spend time with one another. He will do things I like to do just to spend time with me and I do the same for him.  I am a lucky girl.

            This week I was able to read from Dr. John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for MakingMarriage Work. He explains that, “At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”  When I read this I realized this is what my husband and I have.  Our marriage may not be perfect. Believe me, we argue and get upset or annoyed with each other but deep down we share these sentiments expressed by Dr. Gottman. 

            Our friendship is very important to us.  I think because it is we have such a positive sentiment override, meaning that our, “positive thoughts about each other and [our] marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede [our] negative feelings.”  Even when we argue we can say to one another, “I love you, but right now I don’t like you very much.” This phrase has always helped diffuse a situation for us.  It reminds us that even in the hard or heated moments we still care about each other. There is too much good in our marriage to let one argument or one bump in the road derail what we have going for us in the long run. 

            We want to continue to build on that friendship. We agree with Dr. Gottman that it is a defining characteristic of our marriage.  

Covenant Marriage Vs. Contractual Marriage

When I married my husband I knew I was committed to him 100% and I knew he felt the same way. I remember kneeling across the alter from him knowing that if we were faithful to the covenants we were making that day we would be together for time and all eternity.  I knew if we made our Savior, Jesus Christ, a part of our relationship He would strengthen us and allow our covenant marriage to be successful through the joyful and hard moments of life. In his talk “Covenant Marriage,” Elder Bruce C. Hafen asks us to consider whether we will have a contractual marriage or a covenant marriage. He states, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through.  They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”  I know that I want to have a covenant marriage and that means not taking my marriage for granted and working at it everyday. I listed some things I learned about contractual marriage and a covenant marriage.

Contract Marriage-

*Gives 50 percent

*Gives only when he receives something

*Sees marriage as a private contract

*Flee when trouble arises

*Look out only for themselves

*Criticizes and puts down

*Threatened by each other’s growth

*Independent

*Selfish

Covenant Marriage-

*Gives 100 percent

*Gives without expecting anything in return

*Sees marriage as a covenant between God and each other

*Cling to each other through hard times

*Looks out for the other’s well-being (sustain and lift each other)

*Compliment and build each other up

*Strengthened by each other’s growth

*Interdependent

*Selfless

In my own marriage there a couple of things that help me stay grounded to my covenant marriage and help me give 100 %. Each day I ask myself the question, “How can I serve my husband?” It helps remind me to stay mindful of his needs and to help make his life better and in return I see how my husband tries to do the same for me. One other thing we do is we keep the Savior at the center of our marriage and when life gets hard we turn to Him and head to the temple. The temple provides peace and answers to questions we have in our marriage. These two things have helped us keep our marriage a covenant marriage.

What things can you do in your marriage to keep your covenant a priority? How can you express love to your spouse so they know you are committed to having a covenant marriage and not a contractual marriage? I hope the following video inspires you as it did me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkOnH36S_pY

Marriage Is Not Just About Adults

“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”

                                                                        --The Family: A Proclamation to the World

            This statement above is the first paragraph in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I remember being in high school when this proclamation first came out in September of 1995.  President Gordon B. Hinckley was the prophet for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the time.  They were proclaiming standards, practice, and doctrines on the family.  It didn’t understand this proclamation like I do now and if your want to find out more about it you can click here. This week I have thought about what it means to uphold the ideal of marriage between a man and a woman.  I was raised to believe that marriage and the family were central to my Heavenly Father’s plan for our eternal destiny. I believe it to be true now. 

            I live in a world where marriage is being redefined.  Just this June the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage.  I remember it being a big deal. I couldn’t turn around without there being something on my Facebook news feed or on a website, blog, or on the news. That is not really what I want to focus on but it does show where our society is now on same-sex marriage.  Some might call me old fashioned and that for a thirty-something I do not share the views of most of my peers but I do support the institution of marriage being defined between one man and one woman. 

            I want to share a video from a message I heard this last April from apostle Elder D. Todd Christofferson,

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2015-04-250-elder-d-todd-christofferson-highlights?lang=eng

Like Elder Christofferson said, marriage has never been just about the love and happiness of adults.  If it were only about that of course I would want everyone to be happy.  Sometime we need to think beyond oursleves and think of what is best for our own children and those of the rising generation.

This week I read an article titled “Marriage: Where Do We GoFrom Here?”. In there author Ryan Jackson states:

            “Marriage is a comprehensive union. It unites spouses at all levels of their being: hearts, minds, and bodies, where man and woman form a two-in-one-flesh union. It is based on the anthropological truth that men and women are distinct and complementary, on the biological fact that reproduction requires a man and a woman, and on the sociological reality that children benefit from having a mother and a father. As the act that unites spouses can also create new life, marriage is especially apt for procreation and family life. Uniting spouses in these all-encompassing ways, marriage calls for all-encompassing commitment: permanent and exclusive."

When we look at marriage we cannot be selfish and only think of ourselves. We have to look at how it impacts those who have no voice, the children. They are the rising generation and our decisions today impact and influence their lives tomorrow.  Children need the most ideal setting.  This to me is a marriage with both a father and a mother who are fully committed to one another.  We need to take a closer look as to how same-sex marriage will have an impact on the lives of children.        

I hope we can continue to defend the institution of marriage between a man and a woman lovingly and respectfully but boldly and with courage.