A Healthy Dose of Sunday Dinner

            “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”         --Genesis 2:24

            Every Sunday you can find a big family gathered together for their weekly family dinner. Grandma and Grandpa are super overjoyed about having most of their children and grandchildren there every week.  Cousins are running in and out of the house, the adults are helping finish up the Sunday meal preparations or visiting with one another, while the teenagers are sitting around the new super comfy sectional that has somehow become the popular teenage spot. Birthday are celebrated with a deafening "Happy Birthday" song as oodles of family sing. This brings my parents-in-law so much joy to have everyone there every week. They love having five of their six children and their spouses and grandchildren living in the same town.

           

Celebrating the Hubby's/Daddy's Birthday At Sunday Dinner

            Having so much family near by is such a blessing. You can receive so much support and help from each other. Bonds can be built up and strengthened. There can also be some drawbacks as well as everyone can become enmeshed with each other. If we are not careful we can lose our identity as a married couple and individual family.

            This week as I read the chapter Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families by authors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen from the textbook Helping and Healing Our Families, I found myself relating very much to many of the ideas and scenarios mentioned in the chapter. There were times where I was laughing out loud and others where I felt comfort at some of the ideas mentioned. 

            I really feel it is important as a married couple to create your own identity away from your families of origin. It is important to still have them be a part of your life but their roles in it should be secondary to that of your relationship with your spouse and any children you have or will have. It goes back to the scripture at the beginning of this post that as a married couple we must cleave to one another.

            I have been married now for 15 years and there were some great insights I learned from the reading.  Even though we live near my in-laws my husband and I feel it is so important for us to have traditions, decisions, and principles that are all our own. These are the things I have learned from this weeks reading as well as my own experiences living near my in-laws.

Advice for newlywed or any married couple:

* Be completely faithful to your spouse but do not forget your parents.

* Find a home that is “separate and apart” from parents to learn to be independent and “Establish your own household.”

* Learn to govern yourselves as a married couple as you prayerfully make your own decisions.

* Confide in your spouse and not to your parent.

* Establish clear boundaries for you and your spouse and protect it from other relationships with parents and other family members.

*Develop your own traditions and rituals for your family but find ways to include or be a part of extended family activities.

Advice for parents:

* “Parents give their children two things: roots to grow and wings to fly.”

* When children marry your role becomes one of love and encouragement and allow your children the independence they need.

* Do not expect to still be your child’s primary confidante. Encourage your child to give that role to their spouse.

* Parents can help married children “define and protect the boundary of this new couple.”

* Let your married children develop their own traditions and time together for special occasions.

* Allow your children the flexibility to decide whether they will attend family activities without involving guilt when they choose not to participate.

* “Married children are entitled to receive revelation for their stewardship in guiding their families, and parents and grandparents should support and encourage their married children as they do so.”

* “Parents need to learn to let married children have their own experiences and solve their own problems, except for situations when parents are invited to provide input and support.”

* Include your new son-in-law or daughter in-law so they feel like part of the family. Develop a relationship with them apart from your own child.

            I am sure there are many other lessons to learn. My husband and I established some of these early on and others we have had to learn along the way while others we are still learning. We have found that for our family it is important not to always go to the weekly Sunday dinners so we can have time to develop our own relationship with each other and with our children. I have also limited my time on the phone with my mom and I learned years ago to be careful what I share with her about my spouse.  These along with other lessons have strengthened our marriage and helped us maintain a good marriage identity.

He Lets Me Fly Too

We can all learn a little something about a great marriage where both partners are equals to each other from President Gordon B. Hinckley and his wife Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley. Listen to what they both had to say:

Photo credit Deseret News

 President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life.

(Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22,27)

I think I sometimes take for granted how lucky I am to be in a marriage where my husband very much shares the opinion of President Hinckley. He lets me fly too. He has never stopped me from doing what I want. I have been able to use, discover, and strengthen my talents because he doesn’t hold me back. It is a very comforting feeling to know he has so much trust and confidence in me and in my abilities. I feel like I can mother and run our household in the way I think is best and he supports me. If there has been a time here and there where there might have been a disagreement we have discussed things and figured out together what we can do. 

I think our marriage is so much happier and healthier because my husband sees me as his equal. We are partners. It is not a perfect partnership but it is one of mutual respect and concern for each other. In Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families, author Richard B. Miller, PhD states, “research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership.” He shares great thought from others on how we can be equal partners and how we can be aware of problems with power within the marriage.

Ways to be equal partners:

·      “Parents work together in their leadership in the family.”

·      Treat each other with courtesy and respect

·      Our words should esteem each other and not be sarcastic or cutting in our tone

·      They walk side by side

·      Each has a specific role to fulfill

·      Make decisions together in unity

·      They have mutual consideration

·      They consult and pray together

·      Work together on the family finance

Be aware of an unequal power relationship:

1.     Process of power, which is where the husband or wife seems to dominate the other partner.

2.     Power outcome, is when there is a disagreement one spouse is usually the one who gets what they want.

(Ideas from Richard B. Miller)

As a wife to my very wonderful husband I need to be aware that I do not take advantage of his generosity and kindness. I know when we work hand in had the authority of the priesthood works in our home and the Holy Ghost guides us in our lives. I am glad that I have a partner who is my equal and who feel I am his.

Married Love Advice For My Nieces

            Last night I attended my niece’s bridal shower. It was great fun and it was so sweet to see the excitement in her eyes as she opened her presents and thought of this new stage in her life. Among the usual gifts of rice cookers and dishes there were the other usual more intimate type presents. It was cute to see her blush and smile. I also have another niece who gets married in a few days.  They will get to experience something new that before was considered unchaste outside the bonds of marriage. It reminded me of when I was going through this. 

            It got me thinking about the reading this week. I have always seen married love, the intimate sexual relationship between husband and wife, as beautiful and something that we should not be ashamed about.  It is something that has blessed my marriage in many ways and has strengthened it as well. So, I wondered what I could share with them that I have learned from my own marriage and the readings this week that could help them out in their own marriages.

            One, do not be afraid to ask questions and seek out good books to read to help you out.   It is perfectly fine to educate yourself. We have been taught to do this in other aspects of the gospel. In Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage by Sean E. Brotherson he states, “It is also important to understand that it is okay, as a Latter-day Saint, to ask questions and to seek meaningful answers.” He also gave a few books to read that might be helpful. A couple of these are The Act ofMarriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye and Between Husband and Wife: GospelPerspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley.

            Two, focus on showing kindness, consideration, and service to your spouses and putting them above all else. Be considerate of the needs of your spouse. I love what Brent A. Barlow states in his article They Twain Shall Be One:Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. To husbands he shares, “If her husband places other things first and is unable to find time to develop intimacy in other parts of his relationship with his wife, she will probably not be very interested in sexual intimacy.” For me it is so important the things my husband does through out the day, even if they are little acts of kindness and affection that build that intimacy.  To wives Barlow states, “If the activities of the day really are so tiring that a woman has little energy left to develop her relationship with her husband, she or the couple together might examine her life carefully, to decide which things can be given up for the good of the most important relationship she will ever be involved in.” This is such great advice. I know all my responsibilities can be overwhelming but I need to remember that my husbands has needs as well. I need to be there for him.If I am overwhelmed maybe I need to evaluate what can be cut out of my life to make my husband a priority. Kindness towards each other in intimacy goes a long way.

            Lastly, we need to guard our marriages with every effort possible. There is so much that the adversary will do to destroy it. In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard he tells us, “We should maintain a wall between us and those who are not friends to our marriage—who threaten it in any way. We may open a window to those who are friends of our marriage. And there should be no walls nor windows between us and our spouses. We should be as one.” I think if we keep our marriage relationship a priority together we can combat all those things and people who would harm our marriage. We need to keep the trust between us intact so there will be no walls or windows between us.

            I hope my nieces see beyond the fun intimate gifts they received and realize what a special relationship they are about to embark on. I hope they take the time to find the joy in every aspect of their marriage but that also fully enjoy their intimate relationship with their husbands. I am grateful for all I have learned in my 15 years of marriage and I am grateful for the bonding relationship it has developed with my husband.

The Only Thing On My List

“As our remarkable Redeemer makes us at-one with God, He also makes us at-one with our partners.”

                                                                    

                                                                       --H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing                                                   Heaven Into Your Marriage (p. 138)

            I am so glad I had the opportunity to read Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. This book was so insightful for me. It helped me realize some things about myself that I didn’t want to admit but I am glad that I did. There was a question he asked at the end of the book. It was, “In what ways can you help your spouse along the journey toward Heaven?" I thought a lot about this question afterwards. I am a list maker who loves to check things off as I accomplish them. I was ready with a notepad and pen ready to make my list of ways I could help my spouse.  I couldn’t figure out why every time I wanted to right something I couldn’t think of what to do. Then it hit me.  I can help my spouse, whom I love dearly, by not trying to change him! I need to change ME!  If there is one thing this book taught me about my marriage it is this: I cannot change him! I can only love him as he is and learn to love him the way Jesus Christ, our Savior, loves him. The only person I can change is me and even then the only way I can do that is through Jesus Christ.

The most important thing I gained from this book is that Jesus Christ is the answer! It always is in any circumstance so why would marriage, my marriage, be any different.  He is the way to Heaven. I want to be in Heaven with my spouse so I need to make Jesus Christ the most important part of my life so I can change and be more like Him. 

Jesus Christ is trying to teach me so I can help my spouse along OUR journey toward Heaven.  Last night my husband and I attended the San Diego Temple. If you want to learn more about temples you can click here. As we walked towards the front door hand in hand I felt inexpressible joy.  We were walking to the House of the Lord, literally like heaven on earth. At least it feels that way to me. I cannot imagine not walking to Heaven with my sweetheart. When I am in this beautiful edifice I am only focused on learning what my Savior wants me to learn. I am not focused on the flaws of my spouse. In that temple I get a glimpse of the man my Savior knows.  I see him more through a Christ-like lens. Oh how I wish I could be this way at all time in my life with him. So the temple reminds me to be focused on Jesus Christ because that is the only way we can make it.

The principles of Jesus Christ are essential to a marriage.  Charity, or the pure love of Christ help us on our journey.  I am far from this at times. I want to achieve this pure love of Christ, especially with my husband! I know as I focus on becoming humble and allowing my Savior to change me and mold me I know He will help me see my spouse as He sees him. I hope this allows us to lift each other up towards Heaven. 

Forget the lists this time and checking them off. This is a matter of heart and it cannot be measured or checked off on a list.  I cherish the words of President Ezra Taft Benson who said, “You do change human nature, your own human nature, if your surrender it to Christ. Human nature has been changed in the past. Human nature must be changes on an enormous scale in the future, unless the world is to be drowned in its own blood. And only Christ can change it.”

I intend to follow Him. I intend to let Him change me. I intend to humble myself so I can have an eternal marriage with my husband.  The only thing I need on my list is the name:

JESUS CHRIST